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Monday, February 3rd, 2003
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11:41 pm - "Silent Tears Falling"
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"I listen to the raindrops in the sky,
as they fall down upon my face.
They sparkle beautifully in my eyes,
Gems fallen from the sky.
I hear a voice that whispers softly,
Sharing music of the Angels,
And I smile brightly as I listen,
To this voice that whispers 'Beauty.'
May I thank the grand deep blue,
For its treasures--endless joy.
I find sapphire flames around me,
And beneath me, forever blue.
I place my hand upon my Heart,
So filled with Love it is.
I wish this moment, as I have, all others,
That Now, with me, you were.
The tears fall steadily,
Glancing off my face.
They tickle me.
So strange it is,
That such sadness could bring such joy.
That missing you could result in the tickling of my face.
And Now looking upon the Great Blue abound,
I realize,
the Raindrops were of my Eyes."
~ L. E. T.
I've been very happy and at peace as of late. I've been making many wise choices and feel very pleased in myself. I have become a wiser friend for those I love, and for myself, a better healer. The focus of my life is truly on Me right now. And that's exactly what I need. I trust myself so much more now.
For my Friends:
I love you all, you all know this already. I love you all very much. It is not for what you have done for me that I love you, but more for what we have shared together. I look forward to seeing you in the days that I am able. I treasure the sounds of your voices and those moments that we share voice and silence. And your gifts are well-kept in actuality as well as within the protected chambers of my heart. You are true friends to me, and I will remember you always. Your smile and laughter brings elation to my heart. And in your tears of sadness and loneliness, I offer warmth and gentle love along with a genuine smile. I think of you often, several times each day. Simply because I like to. :)
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| Monday, January 27th, 2003
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10:18 pm - My "True" Aura Color?
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What Is Your True Aura Colour?
brought to you by Quizilla
Well, that's what the quiz results show. Since a couple of my friends posted theirs, I thought I might as well take the darn quiz. I'm in no way big on these types of things, although I used to enjoy them. I think that people who take these quizzes a lot are often either trying to get compliments or are simply curious to see what the people who created these 'quizzes' think about certain things.
Anyhow, about my day. I had a wonderful day. True, I was somewhat annoyed with a certain someone today, "Lapau Ceepa" as I will refer to this person whose name contains these letters. Anyhow, last night was phenomenal. I really enjoyed it. I went to Marielle's to hang out with Fritz and eat delicious hot wings while watching the Super Bowl. However, I ended up helping Marielle and Grant on their English papers all night and missing the game. It's a good thing I'm not an American football fan. Last night I dreamed that Jessica came to me last night very upset and depressed. She just sat on the ground quiet. And I consoled her in my own little way. But when I woke up, I knew that something had happened that night to cause her to be that very upset. My dreams are very truthful to me, and I have learned to trust them and understand them very well. So this evening, I called her. And asked her about her weekend. She had a very rough weekend and night. Severely depressed. And I told her about my dream and spoke with her fairly briefly before conducting a choir sectional. I would have called her back after rehearsal, but I sense that she is in a pretty repelling mood right now. So I know that if I call, she won't open up with me at all, even though I have an understanding of what's really going on in her mind. She hasn't allowed herself to accept those things yet. So even if I just told her tonight, she'd reject it and actually defend otherwise. So I'm left with the one option of not calling and simply going on with my duties that I require of myself tonight. People grow and change. Spirits grow and change. I have changed. I've learned quite a bit recently, and I'm very glad. I'm happy with my friendship with Michelle. I was proud of myself for dealing with the entire situation as well as I did. I'm proud of myself for still being a friend to her even now without allowing what occurred to destroy what we had built together and also proud that I maintain this friendship without detracting from my own life. I had a great day. I was very successful in coaching Lucy today in our little rehearsal. I love vocal coaching, I do it well for my age and experience. I love having a wonderful ear and heart and soul. It all blends together in my music so well. It allows me to be so versatile as a pianist, violinist, vocalist, conductor, composer, and so importantly, a teacher and coach in music. I want to compose for a living, I think. I know that I'll be making most of my financial rewards from a variety of avenues. But there is a closeness, an intimacy that I have with writing music that surpasses even my connection with the music of others, and that is the ability for me to communicate my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions and passions and wisdom through the medium of Sound. And the message is so clear to myself and to others. It is so beautiful an ability to me. So very important to me. Lauren hasn't contacted me recently. Nor have I, her. It isn't something that bothers me because I know that she is doing this because she doesn't have the strength to hold on to many things right now. She barely has enough strength to hold on to much of herself. But this, too, shall pass, as Marielle would often say. She knows within herself that I am here and very available to assist her. And so, I know that I am doing my part. I played well today. Learned the Beethoven Clarinet Trio Sonata in B-flat op. 11 today. hehehe, I'm so bad. It's terrible. So many other pianists wouldn't be able to play it as well as I did today after working months on it. I feel sort of guilty because I don't use my pianistic skills to their potential like I know that I can.
It becomes so difficult for myself and others to live in this world. I see it in myself, I see it in others all around me. But right now, I'm feeling pretty happy in myself. I'm in a very good mood. I feel great. Take care :)
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| Saturday, January 25th, 2003
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1:16 am - The Quickening
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In my life, it began several years ago in October. The acceleration of events and progressions that makes a year as dense as many synthesized into one. It was more subtle then, but undoubtedly in occurrence. Few noticed then. But Now. I look around me in every direction. I think it's very undeniable for others now who are experiencing an enormous acceleration in their own lives. Most simply do not allow themselves to be sensitive enough to notice more subtle energies. But now, I think I can speak openly with more than just a few and be heard and listened more to. It isn't just an occurrence in our lives. It's connected to the Earth's own path. The Earth is also experiencing this Quickening. And yes, you may say it isn't noticeable. Or you may not. The Earth generally experiences events and changes in a much larger time frame than we do; it is, as we know, existing in a lifetime that is at least 2 million times that of our own. But you will see, we will see more and more of ourselves here awakening to the Earth's own acceleration. And we will notice. If not now, or earlier, than soon. That is, if we are still here to notice. But the reason of this entry is not simply to note this observation of mine, but to explain that this acceleration will be and is being accepted in a very negative manner and need not be. In our own lives, our emotional, physical, and spiritual bodies are ever being tried more and more. Our egos seem so meaningless in their existence, and we wonder more and more why we are "I". Our struggle becomes less of a fight and more of a longing to surrender. So many tire, so few release. And this will be the cause of the events that will result. Namely, a coalition of individual sufferings caused by not-so-unique forces blending together in harmonic dissonance that will seem like chaos. But the truth is, that the chaos that will be witnessed with out the self will be in actuality, nothing more than a reflection of the chaos within. And this statement, this observation will do nothing to prevent this happening, for it is a part of what may come to be. However, this statement may ignite a new flame, a new candle from which some of you may begin a personal search in a new direction or maybe even support in a direction you may already be headed. Or, it may very well not resonate with you in any way noticeable. But that doesn't mean anything significant. I urge you to take this lightly as I urge you to take all things lightly in the your hearts. The heaviness is already so abound in the hearts of spirits here now. It is a weight that is shared by so many and sadly, very sadly, faced on an individual spectrum. Loneliness. But solitude is something that is known by few spirits in all Creation, if I may call it that. For in the light of actuality, there is no separation between partitions, as I refer to us and the other spirits and entities in existence. All is in just-communication, a connection that is eternal and limitless in the infinite. This connection, this just-communication is known by the spirits of this world as 'Love'. However, the idea of 'love' has been so affected by Duality, the concept of separation and opposites (i.e. Hot/Cold, High/Low, Light/Dark, Love/Fear:Hate, Heaven/Hell etc.), that we have also had to expand on this sound 'love'. It is therefore Unconditional Love that maybe considered as the equivalent of this Connection, this Oneness to which I now refer. Life is simple. Complicated, it seems so often as we engage it feeling as though every moment is the All. But we must learn to realize in order to Master the Art of Living in Happiness that each and every event be it a disappointment, a success, a death, a loss, a joy, a birth, a humiliation, or anything else, that it is simply a part of the Whole. And We are the Whole. One may say that we are a part of it. But I say now that because we are a part of the Whole, which is One, that we are One. More than simply a Union or Unity, as that would imply the existence of separation.
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| Friday, January 24th, 2003
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8:40 am - 8:40 am January 24, 2003
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I slept so well last night. It is the first night in about 3 weeks that I've actually slept off my sleepiness. I'm even up earlier than planned. I dreamed so much, I dreamed of ghosts and of evil and of determination and being unafraid. And though I did dream of some negative things, none of them were negative within myself. So I still remained for the most part restful. However, I woke up this morning to find that the bacterial infection I've been trying to fight off has succeeded in working its way down my sinuses into my throat, where there are plenty of nutrients and moisture for the bacteria to reproduce and mass. It's only a matter of days before it works its way further down into my respiratory chambers and organs. The phlegm is already building. Sigh. I took lots of vitamins and water and herbs everyday since the first day I felt the slightest symptoms. I don't know why I have never been able to stop a cold at its beginnings. And all of this coughing is going to do a number on my voice, which has been very healthy for the last 3 weeks to much delight. I don't know what it is about my sinuses. It always starts there. And always when I'm at an emotional low, which I was when this all began. But I am still at ease inside despite this discomfort. And one of my best friends finally called last night after 2 weeks without communication. I filled her in with all the updates in my life. Anyhow, time to clean up and go to class.
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| Thursday, January 23rd, 2003
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11:28 pm - A positive thought
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So much has been happening. It's so very much. Emotionally in so many ways. Relationships building, falling apart, growing, changing. Music, its affect on me becoming even deeper, more meaningful. Remembrance, I'm remembering more and more of my past, a past of abuse and fear and shame. Facing it. Witnessing the trials that so many of the people I love so very much. They go through so much. They've had such trying lives. Like mine. And I feel so happy. Sadness in all its largeness, yet I am happy. I feel so at peace within. I am ill and physically tired as well as emotionally, and I feel that I am cleansing. Rediscovering parts of my self that I have denied out of self-resentment. I feel that I am such a kind person. So loving. So capable of accomplishing happiness for myself. Capable of forgiving and of assisting and worthy of speaking. I feel so much more honest. To myself, to those around me. I feel much cleaner because of it. Honest about myself to myself. Accepting myself. Not feeding the desire to be something that I am not. I can openly say that I love myself very much and know in every part of my soul that I speak the truth. I can thank those who help me freely without feeling demeaning to myself. I can listen more to others without feeling something inside me churn. I have found that that churning is usually not the cause of something that happens without but actually the resonance of something within myself that is merely reverberating from the vibrance of that outer source. So that next time I feel myself disturbed by something seemingly outside of myself, I will search within myself for that part that is resonating in my emotional body and give it love and acceptance so that it may rest in my love of myself and eventually, my entire self. All this in the space of two weeks. I'm proud of myself. And I am so grateful for the Highest. I am truly honored to be able to Love as I do. Without Love, I would not be. I will learn not to judge myself in time. That has proven to be such a difficult task for me. I have been so critical of myself. And I still am. But in time. I will be easy on myself. I will be forgiving to myself. So that I will not hinder my own being, my own capacity to love openly and truly unconditionally.
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| Monday, January 20th, 2003
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2:12 pm
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What is it that makes one person 'stronger' than another? What makes one the leader and another not? Is it confidence? Is it intelligence? Is it appearance or perhaps size? Is it compassion and understanding or incredible faith? We live in a realm in which few of the participants act as leaders. Why is that? Why is it that most here prefer not to actively participate despite their obvious presence? What is it that restrains people from initiating conversations and all else? Why are these questions asked as infrequently as they are? Do you think about these things? Would you? What do you feel as you read this? And why, do you think, you're feeling the way you are? Do we as entities on this world wonder enough about such things and more, or are these thoughts impertinent to our existence? Is it not 'strange' that so many here who do not actively lead criticize those who do? Would it not be wiser to Act upon those beliefs than to simply criticize for the mere credit of repute amongst others? And why is it, do you think, that I have chosen to post such questions?
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| Sunday, January 12th, 2003
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2:00 pm - Reflections from Gaia
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“He took his place. On this cliff facing the sea in the light of a mid-day in a land where few people reside and no human interferes with the natural course of the world. He hears a music resonating through the air and sea, penetrating the ground beneath his feet. Surrendering to the music, he allows the sound to reverberate through his body—his soul. There is no struggle, no suffering here. There is no speaking, only the singing and knowing. There is no illness, no question of why or if, simply being. The cool air rises from the mist of the waves crashing upon the base of the cliff. The scent of sea and air dancing together in magical harmony rises uninhibited by any force, for all is in harmony here. There is no difference between the cliff and him. Both are of the world. Both are at peace and ask nothing, want nothing, because there is nothing to want or ask. Standing on that cliff, he sees all there is to see there, the horizon where the sea meets the sky, a beautiful line that extends endlessly in the distance, singing a song of light, of meeting and friendship. The Music is ever sounding, and so subtle it is that it is heard only in the absolute silence of the mind—the absence of thought. This is a world, a state of being that seems hidden in Our World now. There is not the silence of thought here; there is the uncontrolled clashing of erratic vibrations, which obscure any semblance of the music that is ever sounding. There is but one way to hear the music. And that is to Silence the Mind.”
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| Sunday, January 5th, 2003
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3:30 am - Seasons of Passage
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The wheels of time are ever turning. Day passes to night and back to day. Spirit passes from body to spirit. And the wheels in my life turn, and I find myself having to move forward yet hesitant at times, despite the inevitable. It hurts now. To think back. I thought it would be next to painless for me. I thought that I was so understanding that it would supersede these human sufferings that so many suffer. But I was wrong. What happened? Why aren't we still yearning each other's companionship? There was no quarrel, no 'normal' reason for it. Just the heated love for another. And now I must let go. I said I'd be a friend. But I don't know now. I'm hurting, and I've no one to blame for it but myself. But in my wisdom, I know that that, too, would be foolish. I know what I must do. The answers lie within the corridors of my own soul, and I have only to seek them to 'know'. What happened, happened. I don't know right now what caused it, but I cannot afford to blame myself. There are times when I feel the strong desire to cease to exist here. To not have to hurt. But hurting is a very important part of my life; it always has been. And a part of me wants her to miss me, to wish she never did what she chose to do. A jealous part of me. A selfish part that wants to be loved and held and nurtured and spoiled. But the wiser part of me knows that it is out of my hands, and to place my hands in it would be self-detrimental. I don't think I can see her now. Not just for my sake. It would be unfair to him. I know that we aren't together now, but it will still hurt him. And that is not healthy for your relationship with him. Even merely speaking with me will irritate him within. I know this. He may not admit to it, because he may try to show you affection by giving you freedom and room and understanding. But trust me, that is not wise. And so the distance between us will grow ever increasing. And any chance of 'us' will flee like the wind in strong weather. That is inevitable, and there's nothing for us to do about its happening. You've already chosen to let go, and I, also, have made the same decision deep within myself, though it remains difficult for me to fully manifest it. I hurt now, but it, too, will pass. But I will have no part in your relationship with him. I refuse to be the cause of any more pain than I must. I need to learn to better live for myself and help myself. And I am learning. Slowly, very slowly. And to quote Marielle from our conversation yesterday, "We are ultimately alone." And this is all too true. But I refuse not to share my soul with others. And I will be the Best of friends for my closest friends. I will show them unconditional affection and love. And hold them in their times of need. And surrender my feelings to them in mine. You know that feeling of something burning like acid in your stomach when you're really sad? Sigh... I'm sorry to all of my friends with whom I have not been totally open with as of late. And most of all, I apoligize to myself, who has held this huge burden that I have placed on him. It isn't my job to carry the weight of the world, though I give myself that burden often. And to my friends Lauren, Kharis, Rebecca, Marielle, Keith, Gerome, Hien, Ivy, and Jessica, when she's not overburdened with her own sufferings, I give my greatest gratitude. You've all been extremely supportive. Thank you.
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| Tuesday, December 31st, 2002
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1:52 am - A tear from my soul...
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I've cried so much. Even now, the tears continue to flow. My aching heart swells and swells again with sadness, and I cry. And though it is sadness, I find a sort of comfort in it. I don't understand why, but I do. I realize at this moment how filled with love I am. I care so unconditionally for those I love. There is nothing I would not do for any one of them. When I was a child, I dreamed of meeting others who loved so much. I yearned for it. Just for another to love so much, so endlessly, so... sadly. But not necessarily so. I think it just so happens that there are so few here on our beautiful world, which has welcomed and nurtured us unconditionally, who realize and live through this that so many of them end up lonely in their lives. And right now, a certain friend of mine holds a sadness beyond my others. And I love her very much. How kind she remains even in the deep suffering that she willfully endures day after day, hour after hour... moment after moment. And that is no exaggeration, as it may very well be for many others. No. No words I can say can fully describe her strength, her passion, her kindness, her Loving. She has touched some of the deepest wounds of my soul with a loving warmth, even as she suffers her own deep wounds that bleed so heavily. What brilliance, what divinity could bring such a spirit into my life? I want only one thing for her... her Happiness. I will put forth my entire effort into accomplishing this. I want nothing more than this. I love her so. And I must also be fair to myself, and I shall. I am here on this world, also nurtured by its nurturing spirit, and I can do Whatever I choose. And I choose this. Because I Need to. Because I don't know what else to do. Because I cry every time I think about her. Because... I'm so sad... I don't know what else to do. I just want to love. I don't care how much I suffer. If I love, I will find comfort.
current mood: passionate
current music: the sound of vehicals flying by on I-75
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| Monday, December 9th, 2002
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10:23 am - Testament
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I understand what you are saying. If you told me to stop cuddling with one of my closest friends, I would stop. I would let them know that what we were doing before wasn't fair to Michelle, and that my friendship with them was going to be more distant from now on. If you told me to stop hugging my friends, I would let you go. Now I know how important your relationship with him is, and I hold nothing against you if you dare not distance the intimacy that is there between the two of you now. I know what it is like to be so close to a friend. In fact, while you were in Italy, I became that close to Lucy for a while. But then, I had a dream. And in that dream, you let me go because I was so close to her. And in that dream, I let her go completely, without hesitation, because I loved you so much, because my relationship with her couldn't compare to mine with you. Now, I was never infatuated with her, but I did cuddle for whatever duration it was. And if my telling you this upsets you now, I understand. At the same time, I know that I could end any intimacy with any of my friends for you. However, I learned from that dream. You didn't have that opportunity. I was desperate in that dream. I would have left all of my friends just to have your trust in me again. And you never had me back. And my world fell apart. And from that dream, I learned compassion for the person that made a mistake and would do anything to have the other back. Now, you made no mistake, because you knew no better. I have failed you and myself in not being Affectionate to you as much as I always wanted to. I wasn't true to my feelings. I didn't hug you when my heart told me to, I didn't kiss you and caress you when my lips and hands yearned to. All because of selfishness. I wanted the same affection from you. And because my heart ached for it, I didn't dare give it to you for fear of being hurt. I apologize to myself and to you for it. If I were ever in those times again, never again would I not Dare to Love you Wholely and Truly. And because of my lack of Daring, of being honest and true, of course your trust in me would become tainted, and so it is, I believe. And it is for that reason also, that I will hold nothing against you in your decisions either way. None of it is your fault. you know this as well as I. This is also unfair to Justin. I can't tell you the times lying in the bed next to you, that I wanted to lay my arms around you and pour my love into you. But so many times, I didn't. I was childish, wanting your love. Wanting you to share the same affection, the same passion that I felt for you to me. I knew that you loved me, i knew it. And the truth is, in a relationship like that, it doesn't matter if the other gives. You should give and give and give regardless. And if they don't give back, and you are hurt, then you know that it isn't meant to be. And that's it. It's over. Of course, we both made that mistake. So now, I'm left not knowing if you would have returned that love. I'm left not knowing whether or not if I had shared that love with you without hesitation, that this infatuation with Justin would have even occurred to begin with. This really all began with Italy. When you came back, I had missed you so much, i wanted to Love you and Love you and hold you so badly. But when you came back, the first thing you said was, "I miss Italy. I miss all those people." And instantly, I felt my heart break. I never told you this. I was so hurt. And unwilling to take the risk of being hurt more. Of pouring my heart to you and hearing the words, "Well, I love you too, now there's nothing wrong, so just stop." I wanted so much more. So I'm sorry to you and myself for not daring to be hurt. But it hurt... a lot. Infact, thinking about that right now, I find myself crying... so much. I keep crying, even now. Because I loved you so. And I miss you so. But i can't let myself be hurt. I can't be in a relationship where I feel more passionately for you than you to me. I would be willing to give up my best friend for you. God, it would hurt. But I could never place her over you. And I know that if she saw me telling you this, It would hurt her, too, but she'd understand. Because she'd do the same for Fritz. I would expect her to. I am her best friend, but she's living her life with Fritz. So to close this long explanation, I leave you in the unbelievably challenging position of making a decision. To either distance yourself, lose the intimacy with Justin and never reach that level with anyone again, knowing that I would be a thousandfold more appreciative of you and affectionate toward you, or respecting your relationship with him the way you do now, and simply telling me, "Huu, I can't let that go. It's so important to me. It's only a friendship, yes it is intimate, but it's not anymore than a friendship and never will be. Please understand. At the same time, I don't want to lose you. So please understand me now more than ever." And there, I would then have to make the decision of whether to let us go, and to lose the most precious time in my life... and cry for years because of it, but to go on with my life knowing that I had to because it hurt me to have to share you. It hurt to have to know that you were so close to another, even in a friendship. Or, to say I understand. And god knows I trust you. And God knows I Know that you would NEVER be Unfaithful to Anyone. So long as they trusted you. Because you would feel So bad about it. But I can't say the latter of the two. I can't, because I need you, All of you. And if I can't have that, then I must let us go. And yes, I know that you feel that you are giving all of you to me. I need you to either end that intimacy or not. And God knows it's hard. And either way will work out somehow. We will continue to live our lives no matter what happens here. In 10 years, this will seem so minor. I hold nothing against you, I never will. And I will Always Love you. Even when I am gone. Even if we are parted. So let only your heart decide for you. Knowing that your decision will not falter my Love for you. Good bye. I've failed you beyond all words, and in saying that, i feel the tears run down my face. I have failed you in the worst way. Not trusting you. And it must hurt you so much. But I trust you now. I know there would be nothing to come out of that. Not so long as we were together. So there you go. Good bye, my one true love. I would give a million lives in Hell for you to know How much I love you. To know how sorry I am for what I didn't do, what I didn't share. But i've already failed in that. And so I leave you with this. And I pray that this testament will touch your heart, I pray that it will bring understanding of my feelings to you.
Love Always,
Huu.
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| Monday, April 8th, 2002
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5:32 pm - Empty thoughts
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I feel terribly lost. My emotions deceive me and drive me from my self. I don't know what to think right now. I don't feel that I can control my feelings. They choose how they wish to be. And I am but the victim who must feel them. What can I do? I want to be happy. I want to be uplifting like I usually am. But now I find myself choking myself of the love that I normally breathe with total exhilaration. "What do I want?" I ask myself. But I don't have an answer. I just know that I feel lonely and desperate. My heart aches with the pounding of denial. It's so hard for me to accept the denial of myself and others. It's so limiting. How can I witness the denial of love in others? I fear that it has leaked into my own self, for now, I, too, am denying the love that I must circulate in order to survive. I want to feel better. I really do. But right now, I just don't.o
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| Wednesday, January 2nd, 2002
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6:24 pm - A Sweet Reverie
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You know, I've actually come to learn some decent things these past few months. Like for example, everything happens for a reason that I can't grasp, so I try not to act like I "know" why things happen now. It's best to stay humble, even when I am right. Another thing I learned is that everyone is I, or rather, I am everyone. What I mean is, I'm not special in any way other than the fact that I am. I may be unique, but there is no standard to judge the value of one life from another that I uphold. Another important thing for me to keep in mind is that all things influence all others in some way or another, even thoughts. So I should think as positively and as happily as I can. The problem with all these things is that I have to implement them into my life, and that's not very easy for me. Let's see, oh yeah! And my favorite of them, everyone is unique, though we are all I, and because we are all different, my lessons are for me and me alone. I try not to project the feeling that I am right or that I am better, that doesn't seem to work out very well. I try now to just be me, so that others can judge for themselves. It's not my place to judge others, I don't know enough to do a good job of that, but that doesn't mean that others shouldn't judge others, too, it just means that I shouldn't. Um, I just lost a thought, oh well. It was one worth including, too, I think. Well, to conclude this, so far, I'm doing a pretty bad job of living up to these little pretty simple standards. I guess it's just very challenging for me. The one thing that I would wish for right now, is for me to be a better friend. A better friend, because there are people who could benefit from my being kinder and more helpful. Right now, I'm not exactly the most reliable person in the world, that's for sure. And though I do a very bad job of showing it, I still love all of my closest friends with all of my heart. I see a little too much of people's feelings to be doing as badly as I am. It's like knowing how to do the math but not using what you know to make your decisions, you know? So I'm failing right now. But I'm far from quitting. Anyhow, this wasn't exactly a sweet reverie, I was planning on describing a make-believe mountainous region full of beauty and stuff. But that didn't happen. This was more important, anyhow.
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| Monday, December 31st, 2001
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12:51 am - Cadeau de Passion
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"In the breath of one song, a song of a love that passionately desires that which it cannot have but can see no life without its desiring, you will find a gift like no other. It is a gift of passion. A passion which maintains its sustenance through love. It is an accurate portrayal of my love for you. It IS my love for you. No ocean can ever break the bond that I have forged between us, at least not my part. How you receive this gift will determine the manner in which I will love you. In preparing this gift, I have sealed the breath of my soul in the words that are engraved upon its voice. Tears of my love will forever fall and fall again in the endless longing that I have shed unto its face. 'I will always love you, even when I'm gone. There's nothing I would never do for you; my love for you is endless.'"
With these words I offer to you my unconditional love. Je m'ennuie de vous.
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| Saturday, August 18th, 2001
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4:40 pm - Nameless
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From amidst the clouds up high, I stood and watched the world turn about its axis. I took my place and spoke my name, finding only fools can feel any pain. Last night I died; I killed myself with a sharp steel-bladed knife. I had stabbed myself through my heart and felt the warm blood pour. That is the way to leave that world and enter hell itself. I found myself trapped in the dark, and all alone I died again. I killed myself with that very same knife. It hurt even more each time I died--thousands upon thousands of times again. There's no escape when you take that, which Love has granted you, and slaughter it that is your soul and throw all hope away.
I screamed. I screamed. But no one came.
I SCREAMED! I CURSED! Still no one came.
This world, wherein we live, is dark, I know. The pain is everlasting. There's no one there who'll hold our hand when we are truly hurt.
Your friends are demons, lost in their selves. Their friendship? Merely lies. Love fails to come when death prevails so release all hopes for love and peace--they too, are lies.
And the truth?
That is, my friend...
Non-existent!
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Thoughts of pain. Despair.
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| Monday, August 6th, 2001
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10:54 pm - "Dreams of the Night" part three
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'The sound of cold flesh sliding, or rather, slithering across plywood.'
I jerked my head from my hands in the direction of Petra. What I saw then was far too terrible a memory for any creature of God to possess.
Petra sat erect with her body facing the opposite wall while her gorgeous decaying head faced me without emotion. Her demonic black-jeweled eyes unleashed its foul gaze upon my own, which were now filled with terror. I felt a chilling phantasm surge upwards through my spine, freezing my entire body in place. I couldn't move; I couldn't even twitch if I had to. I was too scared to budge. Her unmoving glare seemed to lure my helpless soul into her devilish entrapment. "She's dead! I'm dreaming!" I kept thinking to myself. And yet, I knew that I wasn't.
I had killed her. And now she was going to kill me. But there's a difference: I murdered her out of my lustful desires; She was going to destroy me out of pure evil. I was afraid, and I think I had a right.
I don't know how much time passed as she stared and I coward. It may have been five minutes, but it sure as hell felt like five hours. Suddenly, I thought I saw her move; I flinched. Well, I more like jumped five feet in the air. My heart raced; I noticed its similarity to the way my heart raced when I was reaching the pinnacle of my sexual excitement. I wanted to run, but the look in her eyes invited me to stay, 'or die!' Once again, I couldn't move. The only thing that shifted in her posture was that her eyes had followed mine and now were gazing slightly higher than before but still directly into my eyes, piercing my heart. Then slowly, a sinful grin stretched across her thin crimson lips the color of blackish, thick blood, even in the dark of night. Her sinister eyes spoke to me as if they possessed snakelike tongues and fangs capable of speaking the words of the Devil. They hissed, "You raped me, bastard. I liked it. In fact, I loved it! Take off your pants; let me show you pleasures you've never dreamed possible. Come on! You know you can't resist me. You know you won't escape me. You're already dead, boy. It's about time I made you a man!"
My hands, they moved as if possessed by uncontrollable lust. Once again, I dropped my pants; I wished I hadn't. I didn't want to do what I did. I swear to God I didn't. I sinned, and she was the devil. She was going to punish me for what I did. Then?
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| Saturday, August 4th, 2001
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10:57 pm - My Death
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At the age of 42, I will face the tortured claws of Death. I had a vision of my death last night. And this is how it went:
I was driving at night. Rain poured from the skies, blurring my view. Even the "EGM" (Electronic Guide Map) and the "AID" (Artificial Intelligence Driver) failed to function in this strange and violent storm. I felt a deep chill burn my insides but continued my journey home. A cold breeze flowed through my hair, and yet, the windows were shut. I convinced myself that it was merely a scientific occurrence and not the "Wind of Death" alerting his victim that his body will die soon. Lightning flashed over and over again, and each time, I felt my heart skip a beat. It was when a bolt of lightning struck a semi on the other side of the road that I really began to worry, but by then, it was already too late; the sequence of events that would ultimately lead to my death had been set in motion. The semi swerved across the median, hydroplaning in my direction. I slammed on the power brakes, but the semi couldn't do the same. We collided. It was chaotic. I saw a huge metal object shaped like a scythe grow larger and larger until smashing through my windshield and slicing off my head and my arms that tried to protect my body. The pain shot through my head, and as I, my head, spun in the air, I saw blood spew from the gaping arteries in my neck and saw my body shake madly, arms and legs writhing. For a few moments I heard the explosive sounds of the collision and for even more moments, I could still see. In those few moments, my entire life flashed through my mind. I was going to miss my family. It was my son's 17th birthday, and my wife had just returned from a two month long trip to Sydney to report on the riots. She got home last night, but I didn't tell her that I loved her. Not for two months. I always thought I'd live a wonderfully prosperous life. It was all so sudden. One moment I was alive and looking forward to holding my two children and wife in my arms once more, and the next, I was about to die, staring at my own body next to me. How utterly disturbing...
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1:51 am - "Dreams of the Night" part two
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As my ear pressed against her soft breast, I felt my groin ache from the pressure of my jeans. I stood up quickly, almost unwilling to raise my head from her bosom. I was amazed at how difficult a time I was having in trying to remove my very own clothes--my hands trembled as if they were suffering a tremendous body-quake. Even so, I was nude within seconds with the exception of my wrist watch that wrapped around my left wrist like a snake--the viper of lust was slivering through my mind during all of this. My entire body shivered with lust as if drenched in arctic waters. As for the culprit of my sexual desires? It stood erect, unwaivering even in the cold air of the night.
I leaped upon her, groping her entire body with my mouth and hands. I was truly evil then. I wonder if lust really is a spell cast by the most powerful of demons. In my uncontrollable tsunami of emotions, I spread her legs apart and invaded her body. Oh, how soft and slippery it was. Oh, how it launched spasms of electrical ecstasy through my nervous system. In those moments, I had no doubt in the wisdom of my decision.
If this was the pleasures of being evil, then I would gladly 'suffer' an eternity in Hell, or so I thought. In my seemingly inextinguishable desire to gyrate, I failed to notice that her body temperature was falling, despite my vicious love-making--if it can even be referred to as that. It wasn't until she was as cold as an ice-cube and that I had excreted the last of my masculine fluids that I realized she was dead.
It's strange how a moment of complete euphoria can crumble to reveal the devastating reality. I cursed myself for being so impulsive, so perverted. The reality was that I had let my friend die. I had raped her corpse. The mere thought of it suddenly seemed appalling to me; without the influence of hormones, sexual things just don't seem so wonderful anymore.
So there I was, sitting beside my friend's corpse. The thoughts ran through my mind endlessly, "I killed her! I raped her! She died because I thought fucking her was more important than saving her life!"
I wanted to die then. I prayed for Zeus to shower not one, but a dozen bolts of lightning into me so that I would die.
But then, I heard something. "Could it be? Could she still be alive?"
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| Friday, August 3rd, 2001
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11:30 pm - "Dreams of the Night" part one
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It was late that night. We had finished our end-of-high school celebration, and it was now time for us to sleep in our private rooms with our girls; Andrew's parents were out for the weekend. He stayed in his parents' room with Tiffany, his girlfriend of three years. John and Melissa, and Jimmy and Ellen occupied the other two bedrooms of the house, while Adam slept alone in the living room and David and Alicia mingled in the small garage.
There wasn't a lot of options for Petra and me. We ended up with the attic, which had never been explored by Andrew or his family even in the fifteen years that they had lived there. So it was settled. Sure, having sex with your girlfriend in a dirty old attic probably doesn't sound very romantic. But hey, we were all pretty drunk by then, and besides, we thought it would be sort of exciting in a spooky way. Well, I take that back. She thought that. I just thought that she'd want to stay close to me so that she didn't get bitten by any scary spiders or encounter any ghosts that may be there.
Well, maybe we shouldn't have been so reckless; we had only been dating for two weeks. Both of us were virgins and I think we were dying to make out with someone--anyone, almost. So we climbed into the attic using a filthy ladder from the storage shed in the backyard of the house. It was musty, swarming with the scent of antique wood smothered beneath layers upon layers of dust.
What can I say? I was sloshed. It turned me on. I reached for Petra... well, a certain part of her. And we were both breathing hard. I thought it was going great until I started getting dizzy. I guess the air was lacking slightly in quality. We started sneezing. My head began to ache, gently at first, but soon, I felt as if there was a miniature typhoon of blood raging through my head.
I passed out.
I suppose Petra did the same.
I woke up lying beside Petra. She was still asleep with her clothes intact. I was amazed at how her breasts swelled as she inhaled the air that was now cleansed somehow. Yes, I was drooling, and my pants were getting a little tight around you-know-where. I thought it somewhat strange that I was no longer suffering from the dust and that an eerie blue light illuminated the room, but I decided that I was special to get this opportunity and that the light was merely the reflection of the sun's light off of the full moon that night.
I gently shook Petra's shoulders, trying to wake her so that we could commence on our 'special' activities. But she didn't even stir. At first, I thought she was playing a little game with me, being somewhat shy as she was. I figured she wanted to act like she was asleep so that she wouldn't have to admit that she wanted to have sex.
I shook her more. Still no reply. I tickled her sides, and still she breathed deeply as if in deep sleep. Then her breathing stopped. It just stopped, just like that. I felt around for a pulse, I didn't feel one; I never took CPR and really had no clue as how to check a person's pulse. I decided she was probably just going into a different stage of sleep. I tickled her rigorously. Still no answer. Maybe she was just a really deep sleeper, I thought. Or not.
I was trapped between two decisions. I could bother my friends, and see if anything was wrong with her and be embarrassed as Hell if there wasn't. Or I could take advantage of the situation. 'Seize the moment,' my philosopher teacher always preached to us. And if there was something wrong with her, Andrew would get into some really deep shit either way. If we called for help, his parents would find out and he'd really be in for a ride. He'd definitely hate me afterwords, knowing the way he is about things. And if I took advantage of her, he'd still get into a lot of trouble, but at least I'd get something out of it, too. Besides, she 'wanted' to do it, right?
"What was I thinking?" I asked myself after staring at her beautiful body for minutes. She wants to do it, I told myself. And besides, the chances are that she's awake. It was set. My heart pounded and my hands shook as I reached to remove her clothes. In order to remove her shirt, I had to lift up her body, and I did so. I was pretty sure she'd wake up sooner or later, but for some odd reason, a part of me was afraid that she would wake up. A part of me, a very small part of me felt guilty for something I didn't quite understand. My hormones controlled my actions during those moments. Her shirt was off, and I thought my heart was going to burst from my chest--I had never been this close to a girl before. I worked to remove her skirt, careful not to wake her. Why? I don't know. Only minutes passed before I had removed all of her clothing.
She lied there, naked, and my chest was already covered in my own spit. I stared at her breasts for a very long time. I told myself that I was merely looking for a sign of breathing. Of course, that really wasn't the case. Then I convinced myself that I should press my ear against her chest to listen for a heart beat. I did so, but strangely, I didn't hear anything. I thought that I just didn't have good hearing and that I had no idea where the heart really was. The next things that happened were more than I could handle. And not in the way you probably think.
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| Wednesday, August 1st, 2001
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7:38 am - So which is it? The Egg or the Chicken?
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When did the universe begin? Did it? When will it end? Will it? Do you really care? Do I really care? God surely doesn't care. Well in that case, since He's supposedly the almighty being, I'll follow along. Surely it couldn't hurt to follow the foot steps of the most perfect God in Creation. Or could it?
But still, the question remains. "Which came first? The Egg or the Chicken?"
Feel free to post your thoughts. Perhaps you can shed some light upon the ignorance of others.
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| Thursday, July 26th, 2001
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8:46 pm - Judgement Day... Chapter III
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Motionless, He remained, and all His children, silent.
What was this... creature? I couldn't help but ask myself, for the image of God that had been embedded in me since the day I learned to speak had been a loving and beautiful one. This, it was not this beast. And yet, I 'knew' that this was the God of the Universe. I was afraid, very afraid. The energy that flowed from that great beast infected us with the feeling that He saw through all of our facades that we had maintained for so long amongst ourselves. But it wasn't His vigilance that struck us with fear, it was the way in which His stare pierced the shields of our souls, the feeling that He didn't care, didn't love. This feeling would be confirmed shortly.
It seemed that I was the only one with enough sense to start heading away from that gargantuan demon. It wasn't hard to see that He wasn't here to give us a lecture or a hug; that enormous metallic blade the length of a small house that hung across His back was proof enough for me. I looked around at the mesmerized civilians who gawked at His terrible form. They did 'just' that--stare. I turned to run away, and just as I began my sprint thinking to myself, "There's no escape from God. We're all going to die," I heard the cry of a woman. I turned my head, knowing that I shouldn't have, knowing that I should have focused all of my energy solely into saving my life, or what I thought to be my life. The blood, the thick crimson blood slid off of that titanic sword as if it was coated in oil. The woman, she was in two large chunks. A moment later, I wasn't the only one fleeing; the entire world seemed to be fleeing.
Screams, everywhere. I saw a young boy, he couldn't have been ten, knocked to the ground by a frightened man. I stopped to help him, but in vain. It was a stampede, everyone for himself. Before I could reach him, at least nine feet had already trampled over his fragile body. For a moment, but only a moment, I was glad God had came.
They tried, we tried to escape. I was grateful that He wasn't in a hurry. I ran and ran, along side hundreds of others. "He's hunting us down," I thought, and just then I realized that a crazy man was screaming that over and over again at the top of his lungs, "He's hunting us down! He's hunting us down!" I wondered why he didn't refer to God as 'It' and if that thought was really my own. It's strange how many impertinent thoughts run through your mind when your life is at stake. "People are weird creatures," I was convinced.
He was on a spree, I knew that He was averaging at least sixty kills a minute if not more. I heard a woman cry, "God Save Us!" At first I was impressed with her praying for us all and not just for herself, but then I realized the obvious. I almost laughed. Actually, I think I did. I think I exploded into a hysterical almost insane laughter. I was stressed out. All of this happened so quickly, so abruptly. My entire religion had been shattered in mere seconds, and suddenly, I was being chased by the most deadly of assassins.
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